Did you know that we have as many neurotransmitters in our gut as a cat has in their brain? A weird fact, which I interpret to mean that we have a lot of ways to “think” that are outside our brains. When you are early in forming a judgement about the safety or desirability of a partner or friend, that is a great time to trust your instincts. Trust your feelings of discomfort. Let them help to keep you safe.
Early in a relationship, red flags and green flags are an opportunity to adjust behavior. They tell you your habits or internalized traumas may be in the driver’s seat rather than your intentional mind. A lot of these I have seen in myself. Things that should have warned others that I was not on stable footing. As well as behaviors that have inspired trust and intimacy in others.
Misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia etc
Red Flags: Listen, if they call women bitches, people of color… queer folk… well, I don’t need to use the words, you all know them. This person is violent. That language is violent and they’ve got big issues that are obvious. For me, this kind of behavior is a dealbreaker. Much more subtle is the quiet entitled behavior, treatment of others in public spaces, and immediate defensiveness when told their behavior is problematic. Look at how people behave in other places on social media then just your inbox. P.S. Slut, whore, toy etc. can be terms of endearment in kink circles. That shit is negotiated. No one calls someone that with impunity.
Green Flags: When a person is aware of their privilege and where they can advocate for others. When checked on problematic behavior they are embarrassed and do the work of educating themselves. They help hold you accountable to your best self and encourage you to learn and grow.
Socially isolated/Socially Isolating
Red Flags: Doesn’t go out. Doesn’t have hobbies. Doesn’t have lasting friendships outside of romantic relationships. More subtle forms of this once in a relationship are wanting you to ask permission before you make plans with other people, demanding a lot of your time to the detriment of other relationships, and using guilt to get invited to all the things you do socially. Good relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. Perspectives can get warped and myopic when you only spend time with one person.
Green Flags: Has long term healthy relationships with family and friends. Has multiple social circles. Invites you to partake in things that make them happy and fulfilled (trivia night, art fair, book club, etc). Encourages you to take time for yourself and to maintain your relationships.
Disassembling (also known as lying)
Red Flags: They have a lot of reasons why their exes are all “crazy” or “assholes” They have long complicated answers to simple questions that never get around to direct talk. WHen dating they are super vague about their home life. Some will talk a lot about their kids but never the other parent of those kids. It is ok to be suspicious here. Although there can be reasons for some of these actions as they build up your internal warning system should start to get louder and louder.
Green Flags: Direct answers of questions. Offers an explanation when asked rather than as justification. Still on good terms with former partners. Doesn’t mind when you ask for clarification.
Impairment of Judgement:
Red Flags: You see them using drugs or drinking in excess regularly. They have a lot of stories about nights they don’t remember. Drinking is a default behavior when out socially. Tread carefully here. I know lots of people have a beer or two on the regular and recreational drug use isn’t in and of itself a red flag. (Not for me anyway) But excessive use of substances can be a symptom of avoidance or lack of other healthier coping skills.
Green Flags: Has a good sense of their limits where alcohol and drugs are concerned. Is comfortable saying no to another drink in social settings. Doesn’t automatically include alcohol and drugs in their planning for relaxation.
Codependence:
Red Flags: Attaches very very quickly. Moves too fast to relationship milestones. Here it is important to notice the difference between ego stroking and genuine compliments. They may invite you over their boundaries to “prove” affection. They may also have a hard time balancing their time and want to be with you constantly. This red flag also can include encouraging your bad habits or making you feel like only they “understand” your insecurities. They may spend a lot of time talking themselves down so that you can reassure them. This can also be exhibited as being possessive of your time and energy.
Green Flags: Has a good sense of what they have to offer in a relationship. Is clear about when they need reassurance and asks for it directly. Encourages close relationships with friends. Builds up your self esteem and doesn’t let you indulge in negative self talk.
Manipulation:
Red Flags: The use the semblance of vulnerability to mask the habit of handing you their emotional labor. They may not do large boundary oversteps at first. But they start with small pushes to get you in a habit of forgiving their missteps. They may ask for permission for small things that are easy yeses working their way up to larger asks. They may spend a lot of time with you on your failings or mistakes but seem unaware of their own foibles.
Green Flags: Speaks directly to their needs and asks regularly about yours. Protects your boundaries even if you forget or try to compromise them. Helps you protect your boundaries with other people.
Lack self Awareness and/or self control:
Red Flags: They are good at expressing their emotions, and not so good at managing them. Everything is someone else’s fault. They treat people with less power dismissively or disposable (think weight staff, cashiers). This also extends to people they don’t want something from (anyone they don’t want to sleep with). They don’t have a baseline for their treatment of others it is emotionally based. They are always the “wronged” one in their relationships whether at home, work, or school. Lack of humility, or awareness of their shortcomings. Temper is an issue here as well, small things make them seemingly furious. And when they are corrected on a behavior or boundary there isn’t any effort to make lasting changes to bad behavior. Be careful here. This can turn dangerous very quickly.
Green Flags: People who take responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions. Treat people without power with dignity and respect. Humbleness and honesty about their shortcomings without overly focusing on them. Willingness to learn and adjust behavior. Genuine efforts to make changes when they are confronted with a bad habit.
And remember there is grace we can offer one another. We can unlearn bad habits. We can take unhealthy patterns and adjust and evolve. Flags of all kinds help us categorize and assess risk. Green flags can help us feel safe and loved. Red flags can warn of dysfunction and incompatibility. If you bump into something that feels icky, finding language for it can be the first step in making a change for the better.
Saraline Speaks 